On Modesty: Being Identifiable

When I was in high school, my camp friends and I used to play a game we called RKB. RKB was an acronym, standing for "Random Kippah Boy." A Random Kippah Boy was someone who looked like a regular guy, until you got up close and realized he was wearing a kippah. The first one to identify the guy as an RKB would get a point. Yes, we were super cool people. And still are. So there.

I mention this story because to me, it says a lot about an aspect of modesty people don't necessarily talk much about, but is actually very central-- the idea of modest dress as an identifying factor.

When I went on trips with camp as a kid, they would always tell us to behave, because we were not only representing ourselves and our camp, but also the whole Jewish people. We sometimes traveled to places that didn't have large Jewish communities, and there was a sense that the boys-- and it was mostly the boys, with their kippahs, and not the girls, in their short shorts-- could create impressions, positive or negative, that would remain after we were gone. While that level of pressure was probably not a fair or productive one to put on the shoulders on 11 and 12 year olds, it does reflect an important reality. When we dress in a distinctive way that links us to our communities, our actions sometimes get magnified to those who understand those cues, both inside the Jewish community and outside of it.

For men, in many ways, the question of being identified versus not being identified is an easy one. (I don't mean to say that deciding whether to wear a head covering all the time is simple, but rather, that there are clear external cues that send one message or another.) Even for men who cover their heads all of the time, they can choose to wear a kippah if they want to be seen as Jewish, or a hat of some kind if they want to blend in. (Although probably not a shtreimel. Those are pretty identifiable.) In fact, I've noticed men of my father's generation almost never go outside with only a kippah on, instead preferring to wear some sort of baseball hat or fedora over their kippah when in the street. In my generation, there has been a shift, and younger men will often wear only a kippah, even at work. However, this is a choice, as is the decision, for men who wear tzitzit, about whether they wear them with the fringes handing out, or tucked in under their clothes.

For many women, however, the identity question is more complicated. (I would like to make two disclaimers here. First, there are women who wear kippot all of the time, and even if they are a distinct minority, especially in my community, I don't want to ignore that population. Second, I am not writing here about the Charedi community, which has a very particular dress code for both men and women, but instead reflecting on my own, modern subset of the observant Jewish community.) Especially when fashion trends tend towards more modest looks, like now with the maxi skirt craze, or the obsession with sleeves and modest hats that followed Kate Middleton's wedding, it is easy to follow a modest dress code and still "pass" in secular society. For those who want to be modest and also blend in, this really seems to be the best of both worlds. However, not everyone wants to minimize or blend away their Jewish identity. The question, then, is what happens if you want to be identified?

As I mentioned in my first On Modesty post, I choose to wear pants, which is a decision that will likely get its own blog post in the future. However, I mostly wear skirts, as you, dear loyal readers, might have noticed. There are a few reasons for this. I find it easier to find skirts that fit well, they are often more comfortable, and it's easier to make a skirt look work-appropriate than most pairs of pants. There is also, for me, though, the external identification factor. I not only like the idea of being identified as Jewish, it's something that I actively seek out on some days. Granted, I am more likely to be identified by another observant Jew than by a random person on the street, but there's something I find nice about that element of solidarity. Even without making full eye contact, even if we have never met and never will, even if our beliefs and values are different from each other, there is something nice about remembering that the wider Jewish community is all around me.

Surprisingly or not, this is something I find myself thinking about more when I'm wearing pants than when I'm wearing a skirt. This morning, I was walking up Broadway (in pants) when I saw an RKB (or perhaps, an RKM.) I realized that, while I could identify him, it was unlikely he would be able to do the same for me. There was a little pang of regret that I felt in that moment. Not enough to make me stop wearing pants, but a small desire to somehow make myself known.

I have spoken with a number of female friends about this challenge and interestingly, a number of them have had the same wish as me, to be able to be identifiable as a member of the Jewish community. This works different ways for different people. Some will wear a Jewish star necklace all the time. Others will only wear skirts, even though they don't think pants are problematic from a Jewish legal perspective. Still others choose to wear hair or head coverings when they get married, less as a symbol of their marriage than as a symbol of their communal affiliation.

I'm certain that there is no one right answer to this question, and also that there is something potentially exclusionary about creating this insider world where people can create a group for themselves without saying a word. I also know that there will likely be times in my life when I feel glad that I can blend easily into the non-Jewish world without anything giving me away (other than, perhaps, my curly hair and glasses.) However, on mornings like this one, when I feel that tiny pang, I sometimes wish that there was a way that I could be my own version of an RKB.

I'd love to hear people's thoughts on these issues, if you have any. Does the community you live in have norms of dress or modesty that make you identifiable? Do you seek out that identification, or try to minimize it?

P.S. Come back tomorrow for a Stitch Fix review!