One Month to Go! So I'm Getting Real.

Guys, it has been a big week. I saw my first ever ocean reacting to a tropical storm. (Crazy.) I ran a 10k and set a personal best with a crazy negative split. (More on that later, including the definition of a negative split.) I wrote 15(!) pages of my dissertation proposal. (For those of you keeping track who thought I had already finished a draft, the answer is that is true, but I decided it was bad so I threw it out and started again. If you are wondering if I am insane, the answer might be yes.) And last night, I reached peak happiness, when my lifelong (or yearlong) dream was finally realized and I got to go SEE HAMILTON. Was it as good as everyone said? Yes. Did I cry for almost the whole second act? Yes. I am afraid nothing will ever be that good again? Yes. Lin Manuel Miranda, if you are reading this blog (hey, you never know!), you are a genius and I am sort of obsessed with you in a not at all creepy way. Thank you for sharing your art with the world. And please let me know how I can go again! Ok? Thanks!

This was taken after the 10k, but it could have been
me yesterday on Hamilton day.

Anyway. It is one month until HM Day, which is half-marathon day. Eek! So in honor of this occasion, I'm going to get real with all of you. Like many people (and especially women) out there, I spend way too much time worrying about how I look. I wish I didn't. I wish I felt good about my body every day, no matter what. I wish I could always focus on the amazing things my body could do, instead of what it looked like. In fact, one of the reasons I started this blog was to force myself to stop hiding, start wearing clothes that fit, and learn to talk about myself and how I look in positive ways. It's actually been a mostly successful endeavor, which I feel glad about, and I'm hoping to get back into blogging more regularly now that I'm on a regular schedule again.

Bat Mitzvah Rachel

I don't remember when I started feeling self conscious about my body. Maybe it's just (unfortunately) a normal learned behavior in our society? But either way, the larger problem for much of my adolescence was that I wasn't healthy, or treating my body well. I played sports (extremely poorly), but I also ate bagels and plain pasta basically every day and many snickers bars. Every year, I would go to the doctor and she would suggest gently that perhaps I should change my eating habits and try to lose a little weight, or at least not gain more. And every year, I would be  extremely motivated for about three days and then would go back to normal. By the time I was 14, I was 5'3", 200 pounds, and in pretty terrible shape. I wanted to look different, but I didn't know how.

The successful racers

Sometimes people ask me how I lost all that weight. The answer is a complicated one. First, I didn't lose it all at once. It came off in blocks, and then it would stop again. Second, I never decided to go on a diet. Instead, I decided to try to eat more salad and discovered I actually liked many vegetables. I stopped buying so many candy bars. I tried to stop eating my feelings. (It worked sometimes.) Third, I got an iPod. I know this sounds weird, but it really changed my relationship to exercise. When I didn't have to lug around a discman (remember those????) going to the gym or for a run was suddenly more more enjoyable.

The struggle still continued, and does sometimes. I try to focus on how I feel and how my clothes fit, rather than a number on a scale. These days, I also do some strength training, which is a new challenge for me and sometimes makes me feel very hardcore (like the time I did 10 push ups and then leg pressed my body weight! Yes, I did make people congratulate me. I'm not ashamed.) I also realized that exercise helps me with my anxiety, which means that when I feel bad, I specifically try to get myself outside. It doesn't always work, but there is something to be said for the idea that one healthy choice leads to another.

So proud of my mom, who ran her first 5K!

 The other thing I realized, though, is that I feel really STRONG right now. And that's so cool! I'm not sure I ever felt this strong before. I first felt it consciously on Sunday, when, as the 10K went on, I started running faster, instead of running out of steam. I ended up doing the second 3 miles more than a minute and a half faster than the first three miles (that's a negative split), which is something that I've never done before. And when I was done, I felt like I could keep going, instead of totally exhausted and beaten down. Obviously this is a good thing, since I'm supposed to run 13 miles in exactly one month. But it's also really amazing because I'm not sure I've ever felt strong before. And when I feel strong, I'm less worried about how the person I see in the mirror looks, because I know she is healthy.

The finishers!

I'm sure this is not the end of the body struggles. I wish I could say that it will be over and I will never feel bad about myself again but that is obviously a lie. I also wish we lived in a world where less attention was paid to how women look and more attention was paid to things like their brains, but it seems we are still pretty far from that. So in the meantime, I promise that Curly Hair with Glasses will remain body positive and cheer you on no matter what you look like, choose to wear, or otherwise present yourself to society. We love you here, dear readers! Keep on trucking! And feel free to leave your thoughts and stories in the comments. I would love to read them.

And in honor of that love, here is one more picture of Bat Mitzvah Rachel, just because it is so funny. Never say that I don't do anything for you. Have a great weekend!